She Laughs at the Time to Come

"Strength and dignity are her clothing and she laughs at the time to come." Proverbs 31:25

This verse has been flickering through my mind a lot lately, and as I write more about our Christmas and New Years celebrations I think it will become apparent why.

This Holiday season has been emotional to say the least and ranging across both ends of the spectrum. My husband and I decided back in September to begin trying to start our family and we were delighted to find out the Monday after Thanksgiving that we were pregnant.

I have had one confirmed miscarriage back in January of 2011. I also believe I had another miscarriage in August of this year, however I did not have a positive pregnancy test (this situation is medically known as a chemical pregnancy) but the pain was very extreme and unusual which lead us to believe that it was probably a miscarriage. However, we have to leave that to God as we do not know for sure. Therefore, as soon as we found out that I was pregnant this November, I fell (crumpled really) to my knees in prayer. I asked God to give us a healthy child and a full term pregnancy.

My OB/GYN asked me in to do some early blood work and the results came back mixed. My HCG had more than doubled in 48 hours which was very good. However, my progesterone levels were unclear. Typically, women at 4 weeks pregnant have progesterone levels in the twenties. "Low" progesterone levels that doctors don't like to see are below 8. My progesterone levels were 10.6 and I had been taking a daily progesterone lotion.

I was struggling with my faith to say the least. Terrified of every feeling or lack there of. I didn't have many symptoms, no morning sickness and my other symptoms would come and go on a daily basis. After many long and emotional talks with my husband, I came to realize that just because bad can happen and could be in God's plan for us didn't mean that good wouldn't happen.

I had two very realistic and terrifying dreams where I was miscarrying. One where Andrew had to wake me up because I had been breathing so raggedly it woke him up.

I started light brown spotting Friday December 14th. We were terrified and sad. I took it easy but the spotting soon became bleeding and the dark brown became bright red. On December 16th in the afternoon, I miscarried our baby at seven weeks and one day. We were devastated.

I went in to the doctor that Monday and they confirmed that everything had passed naturally. My doctor is convinced that I will have a healthy pregnancy however she is not convinced that I may need hormone therapy. We are looking for another OB/GYN who will be more willing to try natural remedies to help boost my bodies baby making abilities.

After seeing for myself that nothing remained of my child, I cried and screamed my pain and loss until I had nothing left while Andrew held me.

Christmas was not as light and exciting as we had hoped. We were going to take our first ultrasound picture to the family and announce our pregnancy Christmas day. Instead, we were greeted with tearful hugs and heartfelt sadness for our loss.

I was happy to be surrounded by family and I desired to feel the joy of Christmas. There were some struggles. Andrew's brother and his wife were visiting with their brand new precious baby girl who was only six weeks old. We are very proud to be an aunt and uncle and love our little niece dearly. But, it was very very hard to be happy for our sister and brother when it only made my empty womb feel even hollower.

The worst part of a miscarriage is how non-existent our child's life is to most everyone else. No one else got to feel the little presence or live every second (even though the total amount of seconds were few) with the child. Therefore, to hear that the child is no longer living to others (family, friends, strangers) is sad but more of an idea than a reality. To me and to my husband, it was a very real reality and life and now it is a very real hole in our hearts. Our child had already made its presence known and we had enjoyed getting to know our child for the brief time we had with him or her. Now, our baby is with God and not very many people know, many will forget, and I will continue to remain a mother without her children or any living children. The fact that I am a mom but no one sees me that way is also a difficult experience. I feel that I am in a class all my own. And sadly, I am not alone. Many women have miscarriages and are a part of the silent group of grieving mothers. We remain silent for several reasons; out of grief, confusion, embarrassment, or for many unknown reasons. Being a childless mother is not rare, however because most women choose to not discuss it because it is so painful, it sure can be a lonely state.

I am not judging any woman who chooses to be silent concerning their losses. We all grieve in our own way. And sometimes, I myself just don't want to talk about it. I don't want to be judged. I don't want other women to think that they are better than me because they haven't had struggles or because they have healthy beautiful children. But, most of all, I don't want to be pitied. It is a pride issue and I know it is sinful, but I don't want to be pitied because I feel like that is somehow condescending. No, what I want is someone who will grieve with me. Someone who is willing to understand and feel my pain. I want prayers but I don't want them simply because it is the Christian response to grief. I want prayers because someone honestly desires to see God work a miracle in my life; heartfelt petitions and not dutiful religion. I'm sorry if this is coming off harsh in any way. But, this is my raw and honest feelings.

Am I in a good place right now? Not really no. Am I in a better place than I was two weeks ago? Yes.

My biggest fear is what is to come. We are going to keep trying but the pain is so great and the loss so real, it is terrifying to face the future. I desperately want the faith described in Proverbs: "Strength and dignity are her clothing and she laughs at the time to come." God is in control. He is sovereign and good. I want to be able to laugh at the time to come. Please, God give me that kind of faith because right now the future makes me tremble with fear.

We have been told that one of the first steps to healing is to name your lost child. Andrew and I have also given all of our children a birth verse. I want to close with that and maybe I'll write more as I continue to work out my salvation with fear and trembling as Philippians 2:12 describes.

Luke Matthew
December 16, 2012

"In that same hour he rejoiced in the Holy Spirit and said, 'I thank you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that you have hidden these things from the wise and understanding and revealed them to little children; yes, Father, for such was your gracious will.'"

Luke 10:21

Two Years Later We Have A Second Part to This Story: Welcome Liesl Joy!
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